In many of my past relationships I have been a little self-centred. Yes, I admit it. I have usually put myself first. This has given me the (false) perception that I am in control and that I can be happy as long as I am calling the shots.

But now I have discovered something fascinating. Something almost academic in its psychology: Put your partner first.

But why?! Well, firstly, I realised that there are two people in a relationship (um, yeah) and that requires some compromise (you’re just realising this now?). Secondly, if your partner is going to want to stay with you, they need to be happy and feel loved, so there is no better way to show that than by putting them first.

And lastly, but perhaps most importantly is the old saying, ‘you get what you give’. In other words, making someone else happy, actually makes you happy. And, no, by putting your partner first, you don’t become inferior.

So guess what? You get to make your partner happy and make yourself happy all in one go. And the bonus? Your partner is going to do the same for you.

So double the happiness and none of that self-centred reputation. It’s a winner.

Blog-tionary:

Self-centred: thinking only about yourself

To call the shots: to be in control and make all the decisions

Inferior: less important

Bonus: something extra that is unexpected and good

 Contrary to what many women complain about, men actually do like to be useful. They really want to help out. It’s not so much that they don’t know how, but rather that they don’t know how to do it like women.

Women, remember that men use a lot fewer words than us. And men are not good at mind-reading. So if you are explaining something to him, you don’t need to include as much detail as if you were explaining to your female friend. And be straight-forward. There is no need to be cryptic. Save that for your girl-friends. Something like, ‘I hate talking to car mechanics. They are always so degrading to women. They assume we don’t know anything about cars. Now I have to call the mechanic because there is something wrong with my car and I don’t know what it is. He’s just going to make me feel stupid and probably rip me off as well because he will know that I know nothing about cars. It’s really infuriating. I don’t know what to do…blah blah blah’, can be replaced by something like, ‘Darling, would you mind speaking to the car mechanic for me.’

Keep it short and simple. Don’t expect him to guess what you want. Remember that men are hunters. Give him a target and let him go for it.

Blog-tionary:

Cryptic: secretive or mysterious

Degrading: to make someone feel shame or make them feel less intelligent

Rip (someone) off: to charge someone much more than they need to pay

Infuriating: something that makes you very angry

 Is it ok for your partner to still be in contact with his ex? I am guessing that the average person would say absolutely not! If a relationship ends, it is most often because of one or the other of the two people involved and is seldom a mutual decision. Those couples who claim that the decision was mutual are just deluding themselves and not fooling anyone.

So if your partner still sees his/her ex, should you be worried? I think each situation is different. My partner still sees his ex-fiance which should alarm most people and yet it doesn’t bother me at all. Why? For a few reasons: 1.They broke up years ago. 2. Most times he sees her, I am with him or he is in a group of people and 3. most importantly – they are just so obviously wrong for each other.

I think that some of our exes could be some of our best friends. In many cases, they are only exes because as a couple things didn’t work, but as people you can still get on. It would be a shame to lose what could be a great friendship.

But it needs to be handled sensitively and carefully.  If you want to remain friends with your ex, you have to be completely open about it with your current partner and absolutely honest with yourself about your own intentions. And if your partner wants to remain friends with his/her ex, you will need to learn to trust him/her.

Oh, and give it a couple of years, first.

Blog-tionary:

Mutual: Something that is equal for both people

Deluding: making yourself believe something that’s not true

 How do you know when you’ve found ‘The One’? There are so many people telling us about relationships and giving advice that I think we can become quite bogged down in all the details.

So I am not going to offer any specific advice. I don’t know if you’ve found ‘The One’. I don’t know if you know if you’ve found the one. And I don’t know how you will know if you’ve found ‘The One’.

But my theory is this: if you are asking yourself if he is the one, then quite possibly he/she isn’t. Our brains and our lives get so cluttered with details and so overloaded with information, that while we are too busy thinking and analysing we forget to just feel. Just know.

If someone is right for you, you won’t find yourself questioning whether they are right for you. You will just know. Turn down all the noise in your head and just feel. Then you, and only you, will just know.

Blog-tionary:

To get bogged down: when there is too much information so you feel like you are drowning

Cluttered: when there are too many things lying around

 Fighting is good. I think that if you never fight with your partner, you either have some kind of supernatural relationship or there is something wrong. Why do I think this? If you are fighting, you are showing real emotion, you are communicating that something is upsetting you. It’s all very well for psychologists to teach us how to deal with our anger, but if we were supposed to resolve everything in life with voices never raised, why do we even have this emotion, anger?

So expressing anger is healthy. And nine times out of ten, we feel better afterwards. However too much fighting is, of course, unhealthy and in itself a warning sign. Too much fighting is usually an indication of a deeper issue, so when you find yourself fighting about who didn’t put the lid on the toothpaste or who ate the last piece of chocolate, then maybe it’s time to reassess.

Try to find a healthy fighting balance. But there is one major rule which should never be broken: remember, you can never take anything back – even something you really didn’t mean - so be extremely selective about what comes out of your mouth.

Blog-tionary:

Supernatural: something more than natural, like superhuman powers

Resolve: fix/solve

Raised: louder than normal

Indication: a sign

Lid: top part of a bottle that you use to close it

Reassess: think about something again and make a decision about it